the moments when i lose control of what i write.

i sat in the freezing cold, cursed the air conditioner for its inability to be set anywhere higher than arctic temperature. cursed the humid weather that made me turn on the air conditioner. in a situation like that, i had lost to nature and technology simultaneously.

i put on my track suit to prevent the cold from biting into my skin. my hands shook as i typed out all the words sprinting in my head. each word came out as a release, each phrase a progress to coming to terms with the old me.

i knew not why i chose the topic except that i was in a sort of panic on a friday searching for a story idea that was workable and manageable for a tuesday deadline. a topic where validity would not be much of an issue. that meant writing about something that i've had some form of personal experience in and knew relatively well enough to write without haze.

writing has always been a form of therapy. and that is its primary purpose to me. it doesn't matter really if i got an A for the final assessment. though it'd be good to have a module that i've invested so much of my heart and soul to at each test to give me my first official A of the year.

contradictory statements. hah, i'm just glad i have the ability to manipulate the power of the pen in each of my writing assignments. that edge me closer and closer at each hurdle to reaching gratification and pride in my own abilities.

but blogging doesn't give you that choice. because it's public property.

and i reckon that's the danger of blogging, because you can no longer stay true to the purposes you have set it out to be. the essence of why you created and continue maintaining a blog. because at any second, perceptions of you are placed in jeopardy because of a single post. a single paragraph. a single line. a single phrase. a single word.

the power of the inability to show, to ensure that messages are clarified because there's always so many different interpretations, so many different perspectives. and i post with a nagging feeling each time, wondering what others would think.

the fingers would itch to click on the 'publish' button. but the cursor moves towards the red 'x' box. and the warning message pops up. and a little double click on 'OK' is all it takes to delete the post forever. from preventing others from seeing it and from the potential of a content analysis popping up somewhere else. on some friend's blog. in someone's little conversation. in someone's.....

but somehow this one made it. and it's got published on my blog. and at this very moment, i've just lost control of what i wrote.