oh the fine line i thread..

for a week or so now, I have been living like I haven't really slept. I would fall asleep in front of the telly-which i keep on to accompany me- or the computer-doing homework, duh. life unbeyond school (Vern theory)- at around One-ish in the a.m.

at around three a.m. i would wake up, a puddle of perspiration already lovingly absorbed by my (already-not-too-new) pillow(it does get thirsty sometimes). awaken by a nightmare, which i can't really remember it at this moment in time.

i calm myself down and fall back into slumber.

and the nightmare will hit the rewind button and then push play. a rerun of the scenes which tormented me an hour or so ago! i dare say that even cable tv or 'live' shows aren't as keen on encores.

i would then wake again, at around Five-ish, thinking that it's the sun beating down on me. but in fact my eyes plunge into darkness.

i won't be able to sleep after that. i'd toss and turn until it's time to pick myself off the bed. get dressed. and head out for the activities of the day. it's mainly school.

but it's torturous enough as it is now. when my mind is in school yet my heart is someplace else where it needs me more.

but i join the crowd and make the monotonous ride to school. staring into the blank space. and thinking. at how scary it would be to be an adult. for people approach me for an advice every day for the past week- big ones at that. yet when i do dispense some (which in my opinion are sound and realistic ones), they ask me to stay out of the situation.

and when i do make myself a part of the wall (not relac one corner, i just try to turn into sludge and stick on to it-wall), they say i'm indifferent. and not trying to help make things a little better. that when i go and buy myself a brownie they stare at me.

IF having to turn 21 is so tough, then i'm happy being forever eight. so i won't be made to give suggestions which would not even be taken seriously. so i won't be accused for indifference by trying to maintain my composure and stay out of things as i've been told to.

happy birthday in advance to myself. i expect a very tough journey hereon.