3 - day grieving periods. and then some.

as the week drew to a close. i stayed up till 0330 hours welcoming the new week. welcome to week 18, is it? the beginning of the exams.

amazingly, i'm far less worried about my exams as opposed to worrying about my insecurities.

those little self- esteem bashers chose to return- haunting really. i doubt i'm half as good as the next person. i doubt i'll meet expectations. i stare into space wondering how i'd miraculously survive through the exams.

i try to seek the divine intervention, Boon Kong so 'fondly' spoke about when he lectured us for History. i wonder where that confidence he instilled in me to trust in myself to deliver whatever grades everyone wanted went to.

i happen to second guess my actions. i remembered reading somewhere that when you have second thoughts about something or someone, pass. it's not meant to be for you. but can i just completely forget about people this way?

where did the rules of 3- day grieving periods go to? i find myself feeling more tortured than i usually would feel after 3 days. it's been weeks on end. and i'm still feeling this way. that dull ache. the sort that i get when i have done too much runs for the week. when i'm completely unfit.

that's how i'm feeling right now. that feeling of physical inability. the desire to just sit around all day and do practically nothing. to just hope that i'd wake up and have everything back in place. that picture perfectness.

one that i can only pray for each night. but don't seem to get. not anytime soon. perhaps never again..

a lot of things seem to be falling into place. but i wish i could give it all up. so i can remove that dull ache that feels me with every beat of my heart.. that's all i'm asking for this week.

not for better grades. nor a divine intervention of any sorts to get me focused on the tasks at hand. but just, that wee push in my heart. that wee rub. to heal that sore little spot. and make it all feel a wee bit better.