destination: emotionless

someone collapsed in an epileptic fit today. and everyone became panicky.

wait, let me correct that statement. yours truly wasn't panicky. i just kind of looked on at the commotion. sitting at my spot, i thought to myself:"oh yes, familiar scene. a fit. something to bite on and calling the ambulence would help very much instead of a crowd forming around the person."

you may think i'm nonchalant or being indifferent. but i have to say that it's worrying me.

A. LOT.

i fear that i'm losing my ability to sympathize and empathize with others. this would also mean that i may be gradually losing my ability to feel any emotion- for others or even for myself. (of which the latter has become quite common these days-believe it or not, i do not feel a tinge of pity for myself.)

all because i began to steel myself after someone provided a reality check that the world won't care even if my sky fell down upon me. because as long as i'm still very much alive, it's fine and dandy, nice and breezy to the rest of the world and i have to do what i have been tasked to do.

but this is not a blame game. just a speculation of a probable cause-and-effect situation that i have created and brought upon myself.

i may just die being heartless and everyone would come to my funeral just to see that i'm lying in the coffin and dead. they'd think silently to themselves:"it's good she's gone now so we don't have to put up with that heartless bitch any longer." then they'll proceed to win, or lose -depending on which end they are on- a lot of money over 18 rounds of mahjong.


sigh.. very worrying indeed.