REFRACTIONREFLECTION PT1

well back again. just felt like two entries today.

just felt a bit reflective that's all cos i looked at the calendar again. it's about 6 weeks more to my 20th birthday.

and you know the effect birthdays have on you right? you tend to go *Sigh* last year was damn tough Ah, i hope this year is gonna be Much easier.

Sorry, but that doesn't really happen. anyone who's not getting anywhere close to 20 yet? life actually gets tougher as you get older ( especially so for studying if you do not particularly like it). and if you think i'm trying to freak you out of your sheltered little life, i'm not. i'm being feeling in a fine and dandy mood to give you a little dose of stinky reality.

anyway. thing is... these are some of the things i've looked back at today:

- History-
well, i realized that i loved history more than any of the other shit i had as subjects in jc. think it was cos i had this particular interest in it as a kid. i never looked at military history or any other thing though. i remembered telling my dad once the story of how henry and edward got put away in the london tower. and how royal captives were tortured, at times in hope to make them revoke their royal powers in favor of another member of the royal family. that was really long ago, when i was about 9 or 10. don't exactly know whether he remembers though.

when my favorite aunty was dating her dutch bf- which by the way she eventually married- my family used to go around his place quite a lot since my mom was closest to her and i loved my aunt the most amongst all the other siblings my mom had ( ok, the rest stand on equal ground la, seriously).

i remembered that while at his place, i watched a couple of war type films. i think they were ( in no particular order of favorites), heaven and earth, schindler's list, apocolyse now. those were the three i remember vividly. of course there was tom and jerry cartoons which i consider a very important part of animation history and i totally loved those two characters.

i never really studied for history at A levels. i only remember flipping through the notes that mr lim given and a week or so later they would be translated into memory but mostly i formed the arguments myself. and i loved that he allowed us to be so vocal in class, so i enjoyed history over every other subject, mostly due to interest and the love of talking out loud. ( ok that sounded very wrong.)

-the love of taxis-
i was late for possibly every single General paper lesson in JC partly cos i was told to shut up or made to leave the class. i found that i had no value added to myself so i chose not to turn up for monday morning lessons so that i could sleep more after my weekend training. at exactly 1015h i would run out of my house and a cab would miraculously stop in front of me. i would tell the uncle that i wanted to get to tpjc by 1028 h and no earlier or later than that.

if i were lucky, someone would volunteer to fetch me which i'm really grateful of since it would mean that i could have an extra 6 bucks that week to do whatever i want ( usually watching movie or just getting stuff to chill at someone's place or dinner out).

i actually loved cabs since i was quite young. but since mom and dad always fetched me to school or someone else gave me a lift to school i was quite happy just taking the car. =)

jc however nurtured my love even more for riding taxis. someone even told me that if i ever become desperate i should marry a cab driver so that i need not pay for my favorite public transport anymore. but that's besides the point.

i really do love taxis and i did exhibit my love for riding cabs by having mentioned it to a lecturer in class today. damn... how could i have let that secret out. oh well, it's out now anw.

-sailing-
i started doing this when i was about 10. met most of my out of school friends there before i progressed to getting to know guys from different schools during the secondary school period. i loved it a lot.

but during the past few years i kinda gave up, lost hope due to certain problems and all. that i felt myself not enjoying the sport anymore. i found myself doing better at other sports that teachers invited me to take them up. that a dragon boating coach told me to have a tryout for a certain team.

however, i feel that i've found my sense of direction again. thanks to this australian lady whom i overheard saying. i need to be less competitive, and just give up chasing the clouds. to learn how to enjoy the sport again- to love it. and that's my key i hope to make me feel close to sailing again.

-i never study, really!-
i'm serious, i do not study. people have called me a liar, a fake, too humble or too selfish to tell the truth. but really those who know me well will tell you that i have this sort of a weird memory. that i just need to look and flip through and it's sort of carved out somewhere in my head. i guess it's why i never particularly tried at subjects that disinterested me. cos i just did whatever i had to do in subjects based on the things i already know.

how did i get three Distinctions last semester? i do not know. but seriously i did not deserve a c+ for FA ok? that woman, i'm sure i'll get her one day. hmph.

i guess getting an E for math at A levels which doomed me to poly does prove the point enough.

-appreciation-
seriously i never did appreciate FA class though it was supposed to be film appreciation. i seriously failed to appreciate the films in part because there was a commentator who did the job of thinking for me throughout the films. maybe that's how i could have gotten a c+ since i most prolly bombed on my final paper.

well that's not the point. ok.

i have began to appreciate more people nowadays. i have to admit that i'm a very very cynical person, as most of the history students back in jc were. i think that's how we ended up choosing the same subject offering.

but because i am really cynical i have always failed to see the good in people. the kindness, care and concern and the love they had to give. i never really bothered telling people about how i feel until the issue is over and done with.

however, the past few very trying weeks has opened up my eyes, and i have come to the realization that the people around me may just be good as gold to the apple core. and i guess i should not take all the things they have to give for granted.

-music-
i'm boring. so what? none of my friends listen to queen. they have no appreciation for rolling stones or the beatles. they cringe when i loving cradle my queen greatest hits album.

thankfully there's some of them who enjoy jazz. and that i'm thankful for. cos at least i don't have to listen to discussions filled only with Pop music all day.

-handphone-
my kao fu got me a hp as my birthday present. and i was really happy cos i was CONNECTED. apart from it being a provider of fantastic convenience, it helped me stay connected to someone that i really cared about. that although we may be on very different paths now, it does not mean that i've stopped caring.

when i changed to my k700i i was quite upset for awhile cos my m320 though cheap and beaten went through many eventful parts of my life with me ( eg: calling my piano teacher cos she was the only person the bloody clogged up network would let me reach when i got my A level results; making a certain promise that i'm not sure i can even keep right now).

-friends-
this is where i'll end off. cos i feel that this is of utmost importance.

i remembered last year in september when i could not tell anyone my secret. i actually confided in joyce and hidayah cos i was sure that they'd always keep my secrets from everyone else. that no matter whatever decisions i make they'd support me even though they may not agree with me each time.

that when i was going through a friggin tough time in school, they kept me going. then there was this class that just absorbed me into the hang out thing although some may have been uncomfortable with all the talk that was going on, the snide comments passed and all.

hey, at least now i've got a cool class and i'm really sorry that i walked out yesterday. cos i just didn't know where to start explaining to all of you how i was feeling inside and i just needed to get out to regain my composure to keep going.

that there's pple like marke. who although may be angry with me never yells. who's always patient with putting up with all my crap. who's super accomodating and listens to like every single thing i have to say about what's bothering me... whenever he finds the time to.

that there's pple like ben who calls once in a long long frigging while. i'm sorry dude that i try not to hang out with you cos i know that if i do i will just end up hanging with that group of people i've been trying to keep away from. i'm doing a really good job at that, and i hope you can understand.

that there's pple like may may and grace who keeps putting up with my crap. who keep trying to understand me. who keep me thinking whenever i try to avoid facing reality. who help me solve my problems even when i'm evasive about details. they JUST know. and they provide possible solutions. and i'm always grateful for accepting their suggestions and i'm glad that they gave me their p.o.v. cos otherwise i wouldn't know where i'm heading in a problem which i could be getting deeper into.

that there's new pple like chweng and hafiz and siahme and jeanette and yh and all who have made me start to learn to accept new pple in my little life. to know that really friendship is not all about benefits. that we don't need common interests or goals to be friends, but really more the effort to just be.

there's people in these past few weeks who i've tried to completely forget. people who have broke the essence of a friendship. mostly because they have put me off with their behaviors. who have taken me for granted. who have manipulated me. or who have taken me for a ride. who have hurt me along the way, too much for too long for me to forgive. i guess you (All)know who you (All) are. i don't need to name names. either way, most of you will just start assuming who you are. and maybe it just might be you. who really knows. that i try not to remember you ( all) cos it will simply cause me pain to think of all the things that have happened. and i just don't wanna think about what have happened anymore.