oh - so - sinful.

thanks to a sinfully good year! :)

what were you thinking?

so as i bid 2005 goodbye, i await the arrival of 2006 with great anticipation. and hopefully it would ride on the waves of good luck 2005 brought me.

i decided to keep the resolution simple this year. but i need to apologize to Mike- my favorite photographer- for stealing his famous line.

All i want to do this new year is to... BE. GOOD.

so much for being original. but i just had to steal Mike's line. he keeps mentioning it every single time we meet. even when i bump into him at Orchard whilst out with friends.

so i reckon i shall give the guy some credit and start trying to take his words and turn them into action.

it's going be one heck of a ride. :)

oh and before i forget, have a splendidly good year ahead y'all. happy new year.

with luck comes surprising things. really.

and i've been lucky of late. my suggestion was taken up, and there on that pretty thing called an ad, my suggestion sat. :)

luck seems to be flowing into a large dam. and with dams there tend to be this security that it would open its floodgates to well timed intervals.

however, luck doesnt present itself that way. it's kind of. a hit- and- run. a fling. a on- then- off, then on again thing.

and perhaps it's simply because of this, that i find a lot of condesecending, arrogant souls suddenly having little cameos in my life.

and the situation at today's focus group presented a case in point.

but it was a great learning experience really. and in summary these are the simplest, yet ( in my opinion) most salient points:

1. NEVER downward communicate with your TA * in this situation, the people in the Focus group*.
2. ALWAYS give your TA choices.
3. ALWAYS talk to your TA.
4. ALWAYS listen to what your TA has to say.

i hope the agency that did all the four won. i have them in mind. afterall, results should be out tomorrow. and i really can't wait to see if my guess was accurate. :)

watchful eyes.

it's quite amazing how everyone seems to know so much, yet so little.

perhaps that's where the fun lies. but as it goes. nothing stays a secret for long in this place.

because with watchful eyes, and thoughts in their minds. everyone will search for clues and answers.

and the truth will come out someday.

is it possible to think ahead of one? extremely.

is it possible to think ahead of two? highly.

is it possible to think ahead of a hundred, thousand other people? unlikely.

unless i've got the brains of mr pecker and think way before everyone's time. and he's great that way really. both of them are. such role models eh?

ok. i'm digressing.

let's see how long i'll stay ahead of times. quite amusing really. but i guess the parents will say to spend my time elsewhere on a far more worthy pursuit.

perhaps that's where they are wrong, really.

but there, they sit and watch with watchful eyes for my next move. and i try to think ahead, and play with their time.

what i've learnt in school.

the success of a program can be gauged by how much bad/ good press, feedback is received.

there had been a recent furore over a new project the school decided to embark on. one would think that the lack of access to the feedback forms - which by the way are supposed to be "Confidential" ( or so they claim. beats me really.) - would mean that one would not be able to gauge how aligned are one's opinions to those of fellow sufferers and supporters. depending on which end of the stick one is more inclined towards.

being a lowly student, but with some desire to test out the validity of how a program/ project can be rated- as has been taught during classes-, i decided to run a search. and here are the results. spend some time, just get a general feel of what's going on. and what has gone on. and how people think.

i guess you've got the a rough gauge of the results of the feedback form already. then again, i'm such a lowly student. i can be ever so wrong. :)

merry christmas y'all.

and it's that time of the year again. where wishes are sent out. some realized. some crushed. some put off to the next year for another round of anticipating.

being anti- christmas, i wished that feeling would slowly ebb away. and to some extent it did. until the realization of the stacks of assignments yet to be completed. the datelines. the i-can-never-wait-for-another-day things.

alas, dont let me ruin your christmas. keep the christmasy mood around. for as long as you can.

for having contributed to one of the best years of my life. ze best year of my life actually.

do have a blessed christmas and a splendid new year. :)

i think the clock's going to strike twelve any moment now.

merry christmas y'all.

Joyeux Noel.

For some reason, felt in the mood for a movie despite all the tiredness yesterday.

so jaime and i hopped down to Cine and caught Joyeux Noel ( Merry Christmas).

the extremely close documentation of the events of history, the details and perhaps even the capturing of the moods and emotions of the time was so real it would hard to actually fall asleep.

good watch really. :) even though it was the last 10 dollars in my pocket.

perhaps.

me: there's only 12 months left in school for me mom.

mom: well, then be good and stay out of trouble for the next 12 months.

me: oh. *silence* actually i just did.

mom: why don't you ever learn your lesson? *blah blah blah blah blah*

-

perhaps i'm cursed with honesty. of which i owe solely to my parents for teaching me the value of it.

perhaps i was right. that the world constantly wishes to be deluded with half truths and lies. and i should do in my best capabilities to continue to keep it that way for them.

perhaps my parents are just blinded by love. because they afterall love themselves and each other more than they love me. never seeing things from my perspective. never agreeing with my decisions.

perhaps they think i'm the black sheep. who knows.

perhaps someday, someone will tell them, with all his/ her heart what a good kid i actually am.

perhaps someday, someone would tell them that they've raised a fine kid.

perhaps only then, they will accept me for being me.

perhaps only then, they will leave me to do whatever i please. and accept all my decisions as i've chose to accept them.

certainty.

i'm certain i'm making an informed choice. because my heart and head is telling me so.

why people say cheesy things.

the logic is simple. yet telling.

because whatever is said comes from the depths of the heart.

and it is unwavering despite circumstances. and it is never minced. forever honest.

i've got a plan. + .Perhaps.Love.

@ 1222hours-

never had the opportunity to test it out before.

however, desperate times call for desperate measure.

wish me luck. i so hope i don't die.

though i know i've already been given a ticket to burn in hell.

@ 2152hours-

so i was so sleepy from praying all night. i boarded the bus this morning and conveniently forgot about tapping my link card. and had to be embarrassingly called from the second level by the bus driver to go give my card a tap on the 'trusty' read.

enormously embarassed. but i've got no one to blame except myself.

school was pretty fabulous today. and i'm already beginning to add to the goal of getting the perfect GPA. however, i may not remain so positive in the weeks to come.

considering the amounts of classes i've already cut this semester ( Especially in Finance- which i have no interest in, unless he chooses to throw wades of Cash at my face), i'd be glad to even cut 2.5. yes. it's that bad.

Perhaps. Love. Perhaps. Love.

it's amazing really. the attention paid to details for a story running for two hours. and who thought real and reel could merge?! and be presented so beautifully on REEL! *hohoho* i'm confusing you aren't i.

so to make things easier for you? go watch it. and hopefully you'll get what i mean. :)

i feel a little better today. quite amazing how a mere movie can lift one's spirits. but then again, isn't that what good movies are supposed to do?

and you're forgiven.

to those who have allowed their anger and defensiveness to get the better of them?

to those who have maligned me on many an occasion?

it's coming to Christmas. and during Christmas you forgive people. therefore, i forgive you.

and i reckon that's what most people should do. to let go.

stop having so many issues with onself. stop trying to justify one's actions if one deems that he has done the right thing. and start putting things into perspective. start opening one's heart more. start being less uptight. start doing a lot of things.

but who am i to tell you what to do? afterall, i'm just a kid. and adults Hardly listen to kids. because they think better of themselves than listen to an 8 year old. and are quick to judge/ reprimand when issues are brought into their attention, that are to their disadvantage/ put them in a bad light.

but i forgive them too. for we are all human. and we make mistakes.

however, dont make the mistake of pissing someone off this Christmas. for he will never, ever forget that day. and most importantly you. for ruining his celebrations.

proud and privileged. :)

As promised earlier. i've made the effort to search for the quote i mentioned to a friend. couldn't say that i've ever been happier.

"Misquotation is, in fact, the pride and privilege of the learned. A widely- read man never quotes accurately, for the rather obvious reason that he has read too widely. "

- Hesketh Pearson, Common Misquotations (1934), Introduction

Contemplative.

and i wished i were out there screaming my lungs out alongside my class and course mates. but life isn't such. the event's already ended. the school's closed for the night. and i can imagine the winners already.

and i wonder if i'd get past the first assessments of the semester unscathed. 10 mins to answer 30 questions wasn't exactly very much to my liking. for there were many grey areas that were unthreaded. having only myself to blame for not having listened more attentively and tried harder.

inability to answer all the questions allocated 6 marks ( there were about 5 in a paper allocated a total of 50 marks and 20% to the final grade) guarantees an extremely high chance of actually making history on my part. it would be the first assessment of all assessments that i've failed. and i'm sure i wouldn't be rushing to pop the champagne.

there's a submission tomorrow. and i'm still stuck on page three ( sans cover. sans appendix. sans secondary research). never have been much of a last minute worker. everything needed to be ( quite) on time. in relatively good order by a day to spare.

and things have just gotten scary. because (almost) everything seems to be going my way nowadays. which i'm not quite used to.

plus, it comes with the baggage of jealousy and ill-feelings.

thankfully those who are friends remain supportive. and there's all of them to thank for keeping it real.

to the class of dmc 2b04? thanks for sticking by throughout the entire journey- in Attitude, in personal development, in all times. everyone's made a contribution. mostly intangible.

and it is the unity and spirit, in all circumstances, that allowed light to break even in the darkest of moments. and those alone, make everyday even more enjoyable.

in retrospect. on in retrospect.

it's going to be a rough week ahead. but it will not stop me from trying my best to enjoy it. :)

as i've mentioned previously, the past few weeks have been a mad rush of activities and deadlines. it could have possibly contributed to my taking ill. but who is to really know for we can only assume. and then create hypotheses that point to my lack of sleep, irregular eating habits, overcommitment etc.

the other day we had to take the class pictures. Grace came up with the idea that we shall all personalize our names on white paper and hold that sheet of paper like a big name tag when we get our shots taken.

i wrote my nickname ( Quite obviously. since i don't exactly like how formal it sounds when people say my name.) and added "- PHOBiC- at the bottom of it. the FT pointed out, quite clearly how minute the word was. that it'd be hardly legible when it comes out on print.

however, it was unimportant how large is was. the word, in its entirety, captured the essence of the moment.

the fear of being overly commited. the fear of being everywhere ( the 'TVM' concept). the fear of falling from grace. the fear of losing control. the fear of...

and i have the big name tag stuck on my wall now. there's a post- it on my desk that reads : Say 'yes' to opportunities. Say 'no' to unnecessaries.

reminding me not to overcommit myself. that i should take the advise of those who have bothered to dispense any. to learn to delegate. to learn to let go. to learn when to say no. to learn to not overcommit...

but there's always the opportunity to lapse into momentary loss of will. where opportunities present themselves. on a Platinum platter. and any person would have lunged for it.

indeed, i've decided eventually to postpone doing the pet project with Tim and Drew. but i've got myself into something else. which could possibly be of great benefit to me in future.

it seems quite surreal now. that i could be quite lucky to be recommended. but it may come and haunt me someday.

i don't know when that day will come. and i hope it won't. so at least i can continue holding onto the specks of believe that people have in me. for as long as it can go on for.

down.

and the viruses have won this time. taking down my immunity levels stone by stone. dislodging the fortress.

plaguing me with the flu, fever, cough and sore throat.

it just can't get any better.

after a few weeks of mad rushing. a lot of sleepless nights pondering. even more sessions with anyone free to dispense some good advice. i have come to the point of making decisions on a couple of issues.

it is quite difficult to tell exactly where my decisions would take me. but i hope for the better.

and in awhile's time, the relevant people will have to be spoken to. which, right at this moment, is drenched with dread. not because of fear, but rather for having wasted their efforts, their time, their concern etc.

but it's exactly what needs to be done. somewhat like consolidation of companies you know? quite like it. quite like it.

just a little more time to farther think through before i open my gap, which could have been the greatest/ worst gift God has given to me- depending on whichever side of the coin you choose to look at.

and perhaps it is about time some form of divine intervention kicks in. to grab me by the neck and tell me to carry out my decisions. without letting me wriggle away like a little worm. and hide in the burrows, away from its eyes and hands.

in time. in time. i will tell. and time will tell.