conversations with DH.

"you are the epitomy of what another wants to become. but can never. perhaps due to self esteem, talent or some other issue(s).

and jealousy will eat into them. turning them into completely different characters from who you used to know them to be.

uncharacteristic. ah yes, that's the word..

and many a times their jealousy morphs into something that is completely and utterly ridiculous. picking petty fights. insisting that the world is wrong except them. nitpicking on your every word and every being.

but we all need to learn how to deal with these people. not because we need to put up with their nonsense. but simply because we know they aren't always like that.

so we put up with them. hoping that all that is going on is transient. that they'd get over themselves or whatever the issue(s) may be.. "

DH had called me a couple of days ago, telling me that he had quit the club after i did. i guess it would've been a good way out. considering how disillusioned he had been over the past few months.

the topic of the day was.. why do we put up with people who are jealous.

couldn't ask for more of a topic. and i was just glad to ive my two cents worth.

in love with.. emerson

give all to love; obey thy heart. - ralph waldo emerson

something that we should apply to every little thing we do. however disillusioned we may get at times..

that much closer to no longer being a kid.. and it just scares the socks off me..

i hate fake people.

sometimes, it's in the little things you say that you reveal your true personality.

it's something very subconscious, because it's the real you, speaking from the very depths of your heart.

you tend to hide the negatives. like the selfishness, jealousy, self-centeredness etc.

however, situations will somehow or rather provide others an opportunity to see through you. just that single slip in judgment. that slipshod work. that loose tongue..

suddenly, people will start noticing things about you that you think you've so skilfully pulled a sheep's skin over.

so, you ask me how you can avoid being found out? to prevent others from seeing all your flaws, and ugly characteristics.

i can't really teach you how. or explain what to do.

but i have a question to ask: why be fake when you know you're not good at hiding the truth? :)

think about it. and perhaps, you'll realize you should be more forthcoming about who you truly are. start being real. and make it something you'll do everyday.

decisions.

and when everything seems to be becoming a blur. it's best to take a step back. sit down and have a coffee. like one of those little eateries you'd see along an expressway off some other country ( not here anyway).

perhaps at times it's far easier if you don't make the decisions. because there's the guilt, being stolen from you. taken into someone else's hands. maybe that's how people try to alleviate pain.

i'm not God. i don't know. i can only speculate.

i don't know whether i did right. but by convincing myself that it was the right thing to do, i hope i can sleep soundly tonight.

and i'd wake up. make a couple of calls. everything will be settled - hopefully - before i head out to face the harshness of the real world for yet another day.

IF..

a couple of days ago, someone asked me: "if something were to happen to either of you the next day, i wonder how the other would feel... "

the crisp morning air filled my lungs as i breathed words. manifested in the form of my usual smart alecky remarks.

but for a moment, my breath slowed although my footsteps quickened to catch up with the person.

in the darkest of the night while i tossed and turned in an attempt to sleep last night, i thought about that question again.

i truly wondered.. if that day really did come how i'd feel. i tried to hug everyone i truly cared about today. but you see, image is very important to me.

my sudden desire to hug everyone and tell them something nice, just didn't seem to be the way to go. you know. image issues. i couldn't do it in public. i'd rather be caught dead with my jeans around my ankles than hug someone in public and say niceties.

perhaps i need to get over myself already. and start showing everyone how much they matter to me.

otherwise i doubt i'll know how to deal should the day ever come..

how to know when there's too much..

when there's a point when giving up seems like a fantastic idea.

-

i don't know why i'm feeling this way now. perhaps i'm feeling quite helpless with a lousy writing arm. it's hurting like mad after some guy bumped into me real hard on monday evening.

the pain really started on wednesday. and it refuses to go away. a check with the psy. says that it's a recurrance of an old injury ( had it before. once. when i got flung off while trying to pull a rope).

it's hurting so much.. even making a submission doesnt help at all. i'm in so much pain.

-

and fighting back tears is all i can do..

Earthbound.

-by Connor Reeves-

You took me higher than I've ever been
Now that we're strangers, I've come down again
Back to the real world, back to the real world
Back to the ground
Not high above it, without your loving
Now I'm earthbound

Because your love it lifted me above it all
Without it, it's leaving me so far to fall
I hope you find what you're looking for
I never thought there could be anymore

But if you really have to go
You take the high, I'll take the low
But when you leave me don't you know
You leave me earthbound

You took me higher than I've ever been
Now that we're strangers, I've come down again
Back to the real world, back to the real world
Back to the ground
Not high above it, up where the love is
Now I'm earthbound

Because we used to say that we were far away
Because our love, it took us to another place
And it's so hard for me to face

But if you really have to go
You take the high, I'll take the low
But when you leave me don't you know
You leave me earthbound
If you really have to go
You take the high, I'll take the low
But when you leave me don't you know
You leave me earthbound
________________________________________________________

i was heading home last night, and i tuned into gold 90 fm. don't really know why i did that anyway. perhaps it was that moodish kind of night. that would make one just feel like finding something really comforting to hear.

and i hit gold 90 fm. this song was playing. remembered listening to it a couple of years back and i got it on a cd.

once i settled into my chair last night, i couldn't help but play it ( the cd) on my itunes. and the song's been given a nice little snuggle spot in my list of songs.

i bestow this song the Best breakup song of the year! hee hee heee. that sounded so Jojo. :)

this three days, the amount of running( i meant, Physical running) around that i've done. honestly more than made up for all the lack of exercise of the past 4 months. just in time for the Chinese New Year i say!

yesterday, there was RF.

RF was like something i didn't want to do. because of some very personal reasons. but in the end, it still took place. for that invaluable experience.. i couldn't have been more thankful.

SF was this great opportunity to sort of chill and get to know everyone else better ( but i did do work just like everyone else ok?). i won't say that i've managed to iron out the glitches in all the relationships i have with everyone. but at least, i'm beginning to understand everyone i know a wee bit better.

i possibly spoke more to some people than i have had for the past couple of months. but that's me really. i tend not to speak to people much anyway. unless i'm a wee bit more acquainted with them than the average benchmark. it's just me..

JX, for making every tough day just a little more bearable.

then, there's my tea partner for insisting we have tea even at the toughest of times. then nothing is better than a good cup of tea. and some talk.

and qian(4) da(2) face, for providing friendship when i was about to become jaded about it. :)

i've also got the usual list of people to credit. all the anonymous ones, for having made each day a little brighter. even when the sun's not shining up in the skies. :)

definition: love

- to be immensely thrilled by something you can't put a description to. -

eg: fell in love last night. on that kitchen floor.. with the minty kit kat Mors got back from London.

did i ever tell you how much i love her? :)

contemplative..

and here i am. at 1058hours. wait, isn't it supposed to be my PR management class right now?

oh. but there's good reason to skip it. i've officially finished all by articles (-1).

some kind of efficiency streak that possessed me over the weekend.

transcripts? check.
sb day? check.
i not stupid too? check.
launch? CHECK CHECK CHECK! *evil laughter*

so transcripting of the entire interviewing was completed on saturday evening. truth be told? i felt so accomplished until i came to the editting bits. trying to string everything into grammatical correct sentences, without the er.. and ah.. and ohh.. was well, pretty taxing on me. :)

but i enjoyed the experience nonetheless.

over the weekend, i started questioning myself about what i truly saw myself doing in future. whether this was the kind of life i wanted to lead.

it's fun really. writing, that is. you get to meet loads of people, get to write and see things from different perspectives.

but you see certain ugly things. like how people are evasive and all. that's scary. and why do what you want to do if you cant fulfill the duty to question the truth?

i contemplated copywriting. always having fun with slogans and taglines and the little details. but after you've been told like every single time you bring up the issue of trying to get your work recognised, and told by one of your best friends you're far less creative than this and that person ( and more than 80% of the population). you kind of get the message.

well i did get the message. perhaps copywriting isn't the way to go. despite the numerous coercion by others to give it a serious thought.

perhaps. someday. then.

maybe i'll just be a little advertising executive. that would allow me to be out most of the time right? not confined to the desk? and i will get doors slammed into my face. guess that's the quickest way to becoming thick skinned.

maybe it's just good to stick to writing.

but i like meeting people. and talking to people.

perhaps PR's the way to go. but the ft says that it's easy for anyone to pick an argument with me. and i reckon that won't make me too good a PR person. honestly, i wouldn't want to lose my job after one day.

what else can i do? i dont know. maybe i'm a wee bit good at editting. mr J. gave me an A for that trailer thing. go on. laugh. the non techy-savvy malau got an A for using premiere to do editting.

there's always events management. or being a coordinator in some music company or something. but i'm crap at web publishing. so i dont think that's the way to go..

hmmm..

honestly i have no idea what i'm realy good at. perhaps i shall stick to my earlier resolve when someone asked me what my ideal job would be.

being rather irritated by too much questions, i said: the one that pays me the most. gets me to my goal at the fastest time.

makes me quite an arse really. but eh. welcome to the real world. :)

as i make the millionith decision of the week.

there's no longer coal left to keep the steamer running. and sad to say. it had to stop before it reached its destination.

i've decided against having to trudge the rest of the way. i'll walk to the nearest road and sit by the side. with my suitcase propped under my bum as i sink into the comfortable bend it forms under my weight.

another car will come by soon, hopefully. but no time should be wasted in looking back.

SAY IT WITH MOOSIC. with Michael Bublé

"Fever- in the morning, fever all through the night.
Sun lights up the daytime, moon lights up the night. " : Fever

the headache has become somewhat persistent. and a fever began developing this morning. i'm quite sure i'll have fever all through the night. sigh. how am i going to utilize my free movie good only for tomorrow, tomorrow?!

"Let me go home
Im just too far from where you are
I wanna come home" : Home

exactly how i felt this morning. as i locked the door and took my daily trudge down to the bus stop. i stood there as i stared longingly at my room window. Oh, my dear bed. i missed you so much. i really wanted to come home.

"You are a friend of mine, and when my life is over
Remember, remember, remember when we were together" : Song for You

and there i stood, humming the tune to this song. as i stared lovingly at my k700i. though i'm quite sure it would most likely be the other way around. i doubt my mobile phone would have such potential as outliving me, anyway.

"Yes you're lovely, never, ever change
Keep that breathless charm.
Won't you please arrange it?
'Cause I love you
Just the way you look tonight." : The way you look tonight

never more apt a song. really. when my mom feels guilty and decides that, despite her early resolve, to cook dinner for me. that bowl of noodle soup couldn't have felt better. or look better in fact. ah, and i sit back and revel at how i have- without much effort once again- made her feel bad about decisions she make. *evil grin*

-

ok, i feel a wee bit more entertained now. although the persistent headache refuses to give up. bah! back to PRMP..

fetch!

your enthusiasm to be a nice good pooch who fetches the paper and all, just gets into the way of trying to conduct yourself in an appropriate manner.

sigh. hopefully with time, you'll find your place. and take things in your stride. i have to apologize, but you don't happen to own me. nor anyone, in fact.

so really. as much as i appreciate your newspaper fetching skills. i'm not exactly thrilled that you are running between the legs of everyone and tripping them over.

that said, i still believe you can be trained to be one very good pooch someday. well, that's if you can afford the time.

tune out.

and when you've grown wary of all the nonsense in the world. tune out.

pull out the phone cables. turn off the telly. switch off the radio. the internet being your sole connection to the outside world.

face your favorite wall. whisper your prayers into it each night. tell it your wishes. explain your fears.

lie in bed. shut your eyes. go to sleep. dream a dream. where you can cast a magical spell. tell a lie without getting caught. wash dishes all day yet be happy.

and you may wonder why i'm saying all these. it is not wrong to wonder. or think. or ponder for a moment what my true intentions are.

but really. there wasn't any. it was just a glimpse into my life. not a figment of my imagination. just what i've been doing all week.

blessed and thankful.

as the hour and minute hands of the clock at VCH rested peacefully at "XII", the sky came alive.
but for that magic minute, i chose to remain silent and give thanks in my heart.

it takes more for one to forgive than apologize. to all who have found it in them to forgive me. for all my stupidity, reckless actions and words;

it takes a lot of energy to give in to another's whims and woes. to all who have put up with my nonsense, and had given me the time of day;

it takes belief to continue holding onto the hope that someone would turn out better. to all who have spent time and effort trying to guide me. in all the ways possible;

it takes gumption to remain determined to stick with a lousy friend. to all who sat out all my bad patches with me and accepted my evil twin;

thank you.

there's so much more that i can thank you for. there's so much more that i could say. but perhaps at this point the term "more than words" would be most apt.

see, words are cheap. so the best way to show appreciation, i shall do in my little ways. :)

happy new year.