sometimes, we might seem like we're the protagonists. cos we're more impulsive, more wilful, more temperamental.
 
but it comes to the point in time, when the apparent 'weak and meeks' can't keep the facade for long. like a pressure flask, dropped on the floor, it would explode. and then, the truth will be 'unleashed'.
 
it doesn't matter what you've done wrong in others' eyes, cos the greater mass see the truth, and knows that the fault does not lie solely on you, but also on others. and just cos you possess the above 'bad' traits, they've always thought you the bad sheep.
the wolf under sheep's skin can't remain there for long. cos it would get too hot for him, and he needs to come out from under it. like what the chinese say, zi bao bu zu hong ru huo ( the paper cant contain the fire).
 
you're not wrong to have tried your best to make things work. cos at least you've tried, and when you walk away, you know it does not lie in you to change things.
 
REFLECT!' have you ever thought the problem may not solely lie in others. but actually is in you?' it's time, as mature pple, and what Shu Fen(da Jie) says ' you're gonna be 20 next yr, u're not gonna have the 1 on front anymore' reflect on ourselves and see what we've done wrong.
 
pushing the blame wont work. and don run. face your fears. be it having to jump off a cliff, or to climb a mountain( John Edwards feared height, but he still climbed Mount Kilimajaro), or having to face to the fact that your relationship din work out with this guy/girl you're with cos it was your fault. Face it! we're only facing issues on the micro level. the greatest macro problem we've faced was prolly our A lvls. there's more macro ones to come. learn to seek closure with your micro ones, then you'll learn to seek closure with your macro pitfalls.
 
i've come to terms with certain things. some micro, certain macro. i'll not force things.
cos everything placed in our way, and that we learnt from them, are in God's ways of guiding his children.

___________________________________________________________________
LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE- JET
 
Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove
 
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won
 
Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose
 
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
 
Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to do
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

everytime the opportunity comes to re- evaluate my friendships, i get afraid.
maybe it's cos, it's time to prove myself wrong, and feel the slap in the face.

today, 26 Jul 2004, my 19th bday has presented one such opportunity.
Hid., Joyce, Shu Fen spent my bday with me. amid short, but memorable.
sometimes, pple u thot would never be close, are always there ready to be there for you.

u might say it's just a dinner thing. and not think anything abt it. but no matter rain or shine, bad or good, these three pple has always been there for me. they might get pissed, and i get pissed. but we did look beyond our differences. no matter how difficult it was to open our mouths, we did do so, and resolved the conflicts that we had. running away wasn't an option. we made clear we got our msg thru, and was taken the way we meant it.

sometimes pple run. why? cos they are cowardly. they dare not face the reality that's presented to them. cowardness presents itself as th most appropriate word. cos it describes the exact action that these pple take. then go around, and spread it on to others.

i've come to the point of having realized, that things i do are no reciporated. i don mean being done back the same way, but in other ways. it may be small, but id appreciate.

someday i might be able to look beyond everything. i've come to the point of looking beyond a certain barrier. and reflecting on what certain pple have said to me. i totally agree with you guys man, props to you- i din know why i din realize sooner.

i hope i could shake your hand someday, and tell you i've stuck to my principles of friendship, but if i cant/ choose not to, means i've lost respect for you. and to me, once it's lost, it'll nvr come back.

there's pple whom i don like at all, but i still respect. and to these pple, continue to hold them with regard, cos they've shown that they're worth respecting, and in some ways, emulating...

it's quite strange as to how to start to view the world after awhile.
3 yrs ago, on sept 11, i was still totally ignorant, till i heard a person whom i knew by name being one of the victims. thank god she was found. though not totally plunged into panick, but i did fear. did i really know fear well enuf then? no, i didnt. i still thought it was some kinda nasty joke my frens were trying to pull at me. but it was true.
the truth can hit you hard in the face. be it something that will directly or indirectly affect you.
t h e t r u t h r e a l l y l e a d s t o F E A R .
before Nov 2003, that was when i knew fear. my Math was in chaos. i couldn't even do a simple distributive thingy. the only stats i could do was normal distribution. well enuf to do it backwards. other than that, my paper 2 was in unthreaded depths. i did math till the very last min, no avail. obviously i'm glad i've got a frigging E, if i were to be telling you the truth. C for economics was when the brutal truth hurt. i never was to get a C.  A for history, hey i worked for tt! for me and for my teacher( er, nothing personal, if you pple are thinking abt all those stupid things u were talking abt last time)
my greatest fear right now, is that i don graduate well enuf, cos it's time to prove loads of pple wrong. besides, a certain someone told me that a degree doesnt guarantee you anything. considering how successful he is? i believe him, so i'm gonna work hard. and the first article that i do that gets featured? i'll bring it to him personally. and thank him for the faith he's got in me. no one's ever believed in others this way. and besides, he judges character well, and he did warn me of certain pple last yr. now the truth has come arnd, and made me realized, i should've listened more to him, and taken his words seriously. had they not been the types that said ' time will tell.'

it was really strange, when i stepped into school at SP.
i don really know what i was truly afraid abt.. till now...
i was afraid of not being accepted. all thanks to Matt's talk about how JC grads are ostracised by those sec. school kids. i was damn afraid. even when he kept trying to get my to go, i wouldn't. i just refused to budge, till he spoke to me abt appealing and giving it a go... oh how much i believe this fren of mine. sometimes, i seriously think i just fall into his traps... like how dears are dumbfounded when staring into the approaching headlights and believe they have just died. no wonder they die....
so anyway, i've managed to make a few frens... hopefully i can call them tt. my class is fun. but er... separated into camps, kinda thing. so it's kinda weird. but sigh, doesnt it always happen? not all classes can function like 02A04. that's y i still think about those days....

enjoying myself. don worry. everyday is like i make a new discovery. wish it could stay this way... an i'll be blessed...

yes phyl, i'll seriously think about what u say. just to let u know, i've not been on the losing end of that thing before. so i hope to make sure tt it's like very certain, then i'll advance. like in chess. so i'll end up calling the shots.... have fun with Mar ok?!

so, one week past since i've gone to poly.
well, things do change. a lot of things's changed as a matter of fact.
i just feel i'm not e old me...
just gotta figure it out...