that dreaded thing..

cheryl died after her Public Relations Management & Practices (PRMP) exam, from using too much common sense and zero knowledge.

note: told you exams would kill us kids someday! now, whose fault is that? :)


and i was sieving through all the pictures from last year. and i found this..

suddenly miss Jo ( she took this picture, therefore.. yup i missed her looking at this). i don't know why. it must be those teasing shoulder pats accompanied by, "wey, why everytime i see you, you always get into trouble one ah?"

sigh. i'm getting a little too sentimental now. alright already! :)

Friday I'm in Love

That lil' The Cure song that keeps going on replay on my itunes. :)

i feel super after Advertising exam. i feel.. invisible..

the first time in this sem. and i'm not high on substance. just flavored tea. honest!

exams.

Dear God,

i have been informed that using vulgarities in your presence is blasphemous.

but for the eff-ing life of me, please let the exams come to an end.

otherwise i'd die mangled by pens, and pencils, and paper cuts. over things that i have no idea about. ( i've skipped enough lesson to form enough lessons to conduct an entirely new module this semester, hence this.)

please let it all end. and i'll be happy. and glad. to infinity and then some.

Amen.

never was. never will be.

do you feel like crying all the time? congratulations if you dont.

cos i do.

this house is not a home. never was, and never will be.

for 2 years, it's been like that. perhaps even more so now..

maybe if i ceased to exist in this house, everything would be better. everyone will be happier.. disown me, kick me out. whatever. do what you must to make yourself happy. cos it's easier to keep my upset all the time than for me to see everyone unhappy- all the fucking time.

3 - day grieving periods. and then some.

as the week drew to a close. i stayed up till 0330 hours welcoming the new week. welcome to week 18, is it? the beginning of the exams.

amazingly, i'm far less worried about my exams as opposed to worrying about my insecurities.

those little self- esteem bashers chose to return- haunting really. i doubt i'm half as good as the next person. i doubt i'll meet expectations. i stare into space wondering how i'd miraculously survive through the exams.

i try to seek the divine intervention, Boon Kong so 'fondly' spoke about when he lectured us for History. i wonder where that confidence he instilled in me to trust in myself to deliver whatever grades everyone wanted went to.

i happen to second guess my actions. i remembered reading somewhere that when you have second thoughts about something or someone, pass. it's not meant to be for you. but can i just completely forget about people this way?

where did the rules of 3- day grieving periods go to? i find myself feeling more tortured than i usually would feel after 3 days. it's been weeks on end. and i'm still feeling this way. that dull ache. the sort that i get when i have done too much runs for the week. when i'm completely unfit.

that's how i'm feeling right now. that feeling of physical inability. the desire to just sit around all day and do practically nothing. to just hope that i'd wake up and have everything back in place. that picture perfectness.

one that i can only pray for each night. but don't seem to get. not anytime soon. perhaps never again..

a lot of things seem to be falling into place. but i wish i could give it all up. so i can remove that dull ache that feels me with every beat of my heart.. that's all i'm asking for this week.

not for better grades. nor a divine intervention of any sorts to get me focused on the tasks at hand. but just, that wee push in my heart. that wee rub. to heal that sore little spot. and make it all feel a wee bit better.

nothingness.

life can be full of nothingness.

and my life becomes more unbearable each day, watching people i care about turning their lives into mush.. simply by trying to be who they can never be. and making a complete fool of who they truly are.

but it's not how i feel that's important right? ignore me. really.

i'm just a figment of a past that you possibly can't be bothered appreciating. a present that you take for granted. and a future you take as another display. stationary and without any purpose but just taking up space.

however, if i have read you wrong.. then i apologize for being overly judgmental..

it's all coming back!

i had a pm 101 crash course in my dream last night.

everything suddenly came back. everything suddenly made sense.

the car refused to stop. we just kept going in circles. but i sat there intently listening.

perhaps it's the psychology of things. everytime i'm held in -what appears to be- a captive situation, i remember things better.

from some of the darkest recesses of my mind, everything decided to start showing themselves last night.

unless my memory chooses to fail me now, this was the gist of the entire dream: the mark of being a good communicator is to listen, know when to say what to say.

who would'v thought a dream could make me remember so much..

motive?

sometimes, we do things because we are willing.

not because we expect to gain favor. nor because we hope to gain any form of recognition.

not everything comes with a motive. not everything needs a reason. i pity those people who always try to read between the lines.. they end up beating themselves up thinking about what others do, and then beat others up along the way for what they choose to do..

i wished you'd all understand me just a little better for all the things i choose to do. which i do not have a scripted reason for doing..

That's Why.

someone asked me why there isn't a disclaimer on this blog.

"aiyah, disclaimers won't save me if someone wanted to sue the socks of me. given that no one would want my anorexic, only- overly skinny- people- allowed jeans."

putting a disclaimer can't save half of the blogs online, because it so happens that disclaimers aren't the LAW.

unless the sun chooses to rise from the other side tomorrow morning, that is.

thanks to media law and ethics lessons, i feel so much more enlightened compared to when i first started the module. and feel somewhat more intellectual as i enter into ethical issue debates nowadays.

so why isn't there a disclaimer on this blog?

media law and ethics lessons, plus the drilling in of the point that we'll never be saved by our very own concoctions (of what most would affectionately refer to as) disclaimers.

That's why.

about me.

a Gadfly. hooked on 'separate lives'.

i dont write well. pick an argument with anyone i can find. and i am hardly creative.

i wonder through life like a boat without a sail, bobbing on the surface of the sea following the pressures of the current and the winds. occasionally, i meet a storm that prevents me from making progress. sometimes, the sea spray tastes like sugar. melting as it lands on my lips.

i have a tea partner. who takes me out a couple of times a week. and fill the role that is vacated by my part time girlfriend who is too busy at times extracting scents from fruit and flowers.

my tea partner, well lovely. there's no guilt even if we spent the entire afternoon talking instead of doing work. we'd take idyllic walks through ikea though the place may not always be idyllic.

i pass each day as they come. and have little regard for repetitive life. hence, school is fun that way. because everyday you learn something new. sailing isn't half that fun because it's mostly about perfection. spend more time, and you get that much closer to perfection.

my right shoulder is injured. after i walked into a walk yesterday. again. dont ask me how i've managed to do that so often. it just happens really. i wished i could blame the wall. but it happens to be the one in my bedroom. oh right. i was trying to look out of the corner of my eye as i peeped at the pictures on my wall.

it doesnt matter how depressing my life may feel now. because it's what's in the future that really matters. isn't it? that's what makes tomorrow something worth looking forward to.

but i dont wish for anything big. i'll continue accepting things as they come. kick off my shoes and be the bum that i am. sit by the café and watch the world go gently by.

and that's me. :)

love = pain .

Where there is love, there is pain. - Spanish Proverb

i always insisted on never crying in public. even if i were to be hit by a moving car. and i am about to die.

but i just sat there. uncontrollable.

and jaime had to bear the brunt of all it all. simply for being there..