responsibilities, not.

i must start taking responsibility over my studies. i must i must. i'm kinda laggin behind. i know it. i'm not doing much. been spending too much time playing and slacking and stuff.

gotta get it into my head. i do not want a repeat of the yr 1 sem 2 hols scenario. two Cs and i got a hell of a crap nagging.

ok, i'm gonna start. wish me luck. cos at this point in time, i'm still at chapter one of consumer behavior due for test on thurs.

grace's 20th birthday

today's grace's 20th birthday. have i ever told you buddy that i'm so glad u're born a month and two days before me. cos then i can feel young despite may's constant reminder that i would soon be 19 no more.

today, we ( may and me) presented the video that we did for grace and i'm really glad that she actually liked it. after 5 concept changes and a fullblown 'i feel the pain of not being able to sleep' night for may. glad you liked it grace. and you better not lose the disc, cos we ain't gonna write those messages for you again cos our 'words of wisdom' are actually highly sought after. heh heh. just kidding. =p

anw, we had dinner at nooch and syahmi actually joined us at 945 pm as the staff was taking our last order for drinks.

the thing is:

as i sat there looking at the table, snapping away with grace's camera, i have come to realize how generous God has been. that within such a short time span know so many people, like syahmi, firdaus and chweng who were not friends till we all went through FOP 05.06 together.

that having allowed me to know both may and grace and introduce the both of them to one another, made a friendship between the three of us.

it was really surreal sitting right at the table at nooch. cos i started to realize God's gifts after the fall out with some friends over the past few days, weeks, months and years.

i really thank all of you for being part of my sheltered little life. for being there to listen to me talk all the crap i want. for telling me all these crappy stories at times when i need them. and really, for just being yourselves. cos that's really the truest gift of all in a friendship- to not be fake and hide your true selves.

i'm really thankful that after all the pain i've been through for the past few weeks( grandad warded into hospital. falling off a chair and getting a really bad sprain. sleepless nights thanks to some idiot who keeps bugging me on the phone etc), that i've managed to have one really good memorable night. thanks for picking up the bill man grace! cos really that's made me remember the night even more =p .

and as i finally get to get some proper rest, i'll leave off with a sentence that i'm sure evey has known by hard now since i keep saying it throughout our jc years:

friendship is not about how long we've known one another. it's a matter of how hard we've worked at making this whole thing work. it's just like any other relationship. and i'm glad that you are taking this journey of life with me.

spotted: adidas white.green stripes shoes. $109 at topshop. wickedly fabulicious and fancy.

my beloved Laptop!

maybe next time i'll reconsider when a highly drugged, enthusiastic unwell person asks to touch my laptop. i'll think twice. really. i don't think my weak little heart can take one more time of visual exposure to someone trying to hit my speedballs onto the base of my laptop. when i clearly said, press it down. *heartache*

anyway, no worries. it's sturdy cos it's a NEC. and besides, unlike most of the guys i used to hang around with who are unreliable( and relatively stupid except for a handful)- this NEC is not unreliable. so i believe it wouldn't break down on me... yet.

oh... darn. the battery's not charging properly. maybe it's due to that slam. tsk. how?!Now, where is the bloody warranty? *grin*

REFRACTIONREFLECTION PT1

well back again. just felt like two entries today.

just felt a bit reflective that's all cos i looked at the calendar again. it's about 6 weeks more to my 20th birthday.

and you know the effect birthdays have on you right? you tend to go *Sigh* last year was damn tough Ah, i hope this year is gonna be Much easier.

Sorry, but that doesn't really happen. anyone who's not getting anywhere close to 20 yet? life actually gets tougher as you get older ( especially so for studying if you do not particularly like it). and if you think i'm trying to freak you out of your sheltered little life, i'm not. i'm being feeling in a fine and dandy mood to give you a little dose of stinky reality.

anyway. thing is... these are some of the things i've looked back at today:

- History-
well, i realized that i loved history more than any of the other shit i had as subjects in jc. think it was cos i had this particular interest in it as a kid. i never looked at military history or any other thing though. i remembered telling my dad once the story of how henry and edward got put away in the london tower. and how royal captives were tortured, at times in hope to make them revoke their royal powers in favor of another member of the royal family. that was really long ago, when i was about 9 or 10. don't exactly know whether he remembers though.

when my favorite aunty was dating her dutch bf- which by the way she eventually married- my family used to go around his place quite a lot since my mom was closest to her and i loved my aunt the most amongst all the other siblings my mom had ( ok, the rest stand on equal ground la, seriously).

i remembered that while at his place, i watched a couple of war type films. i think they were ( in no particular order of favorites), heaven and earth, schindler's list, apocolyse now. those were the three i remember vividly. of course there was tom and jerry cartoons which i consider a very important part of animation history and i totally loved those two characters.

i never really studied for history at A levels. i only remember flipping through the notes that mr lim given and a week or so later they would be translated into memory but mostly i formed the arguments myself. and i loved that he allowed us to be so vocal in class, so i enjoyed history over every other subject, mostly due to interest and the love of talking out loud. ( ok that sounded very wrong.)

-the love of taxis-
i was late for possibly every single General paper lesson in JC partly cos i was told to shut up or made to leave the class. i found that i had no value added to myself so i chose not to turn up for monday morning lessons so that i could sleep more after my weekend training. at exactly 1015h i would run out of my house and a cab would miraculously stop in front of me. i would tell the uncle that i wanted to get to tpjc by 1028 h and no earlier or later than that.

if i were lucky, someone would volunteer to fetch me which i'm really grateful of since it would mean that i could have an extra 6 bucks that week to do whatever i want ( usually watching movie or just getting stuff to chill at someone's place or dinner out).

i actually loved cabs since i was quite young. but since mom and dad always fetched me to school or someone else gave me a lift to school i was quite happy just taking the car. =)

jc however nurtured my love even more for riding taxis. someone even told me that if i ever become desperate i should marry a cab driver so that i need not pay for my favorite public transport anymore. but that's besides the point.

i really do love taxis and i did exhibit my love for riding cabs by having mentioned it to a lecturer in class today. damn... how could i have let that secret out. oh well, it's out now anw.

-sailing-
i started doing this when i was about 10. met most of my out of school friends there before i progressed to getting to know guys from different schools during the secondary school period. i loved it a lot.

but during the past few years i kinda gave up, lost hope due to certain problems and all. that i felt myself not enjoying the sport anymore. i found myself doing better at other sports that teachers invited me to take them up. that a dragon boating coach told me to have a tryout for a certain team.

however, i feel that i've found my sense of direction again. thanks to this australian lady whom i overheard saying. i need to be less competitive, and just give up chasing the clouds. to learn how to enjoy the sport again- to love it. and that's my key i hope to make me feel close to sailing again.

-i never study, really!-
i'm serious, i do not study. people have called me a liar, a fake, too humble or too selfish to tell the truth. but really those who know me well will tell you that i have this sort of a weird memory. that i just need to look and flip through and it's sort of carved out somewhere in my head. i guess it's why i never particularly tried at subjects that disinterested me. cos i just did whatever i had to do in subjects based on the things i already know.

how did i get three Distinctions last semester? i do not know. but seriously i did not deserve a c+ for FA ok? that woman, i'm sure i'll get her one day. hmph.

i guess getting an E for math at A levels which doomed me to poly does prove the point enough.

-appreciation-
seriously i never did appreciate FA class though it was supposed to be film appreciation. i seriously failed to appreciate the films in part because there was a commentator who did the job of thinking for me throughout the films. maybe that's how i could have gotten a c+ since i most prolly bombed on my final paper.

well that's not the point. ok.

i have began to appreciate more people nowadays. i have to admit that i'm a very very cynical person, as most of the history students back in jc were. i think that's how we ended up choosing the same subject offering.

but because i am really cynical i have always failed to see the good in people. the kindness, care and concern and the love they had to give. i never really bothered telling people about how i feel until the issue is over and done with.

however, the past few very trying weeks has opened up my eyes, and i have come to the realization that the people around me may just be good as gold to the apple core. and i guess i should not take all the things they have to give for granted.

-music-
i'm boring. so what? none of my friends listen to queen. they have no appreciation for rolling stones or the beatles. they cringe when i loving cradle my queen greatest hits album.

thankfully there's some of them who enjoy jazz. and that i'm thankful for. cos at least i don't have to listen to discussions filled only with Pop music all day.

-handphone-
my kao fu got me a hp as my birthday present. and i was really happy cos i was CONNECTED. apart from it being a provider of fantastic convenience, it helped me stay connected to someone that i really cared about. that although we may be on very different paths now, it does not mean that i've stopped caring.

when i changed to my k700i i was quite upset for awhile cos my m320 though cheap and beaten went through many eventful parts of my life with me ( eg: calling my piano teacher cos she was the only person the bloody clogged up network would let me reach when i got my A level results; making a certain promise that i'm not sure i can even keep right now).

-friends-
this is where i'll end off. cos i feel that this is of utmost importance.

i remembered last year in september when i could not tell anyone my secret. i actually confided in joyce and hidayah cos i was sure that they'd always keep my secrets from everyone else. that no matter whatever decisions i make they'd support me even though they may not agree with me each time.

that when i was going through a friggin tough time in school, they kept me going. then there was this class that just absorbed me into the hang out thing although some may have been uncomfortable with all the talk that was going on, the snide comments passed and all.

hey, at least now i've got a cool class and i'm really sorry that i walked out yesterday. cos i just didn't know where to start explaining to all of you how i was feeling inside and i just needed to get out to regain my composure to keep going.

that there's pple like marke. who although may be angry with me never yells. who's always patient with putting up with all my crap. who's super accomodating and listens to like every single thing i have to say about what's bothering me... whenever he finds the time to.

that there's pple like ben who calls once in a long long frigging while. i'm sorry dude that i try not to hang out with you cos i know that if i do i will just end up hanging with that group of people i've been trying to keep away from. i'm doing a really good job at that, and i hope you can understand.

that there's pple like may may and grace who keeps putting up with my crap. who keep trying to understand me. who keep me thinking whenever i try to avoid facing reality. who help me solve my problems even when i'm evasive about details. they JUST know. and they provide possible solutions. and i'm always grateful for accepting their suggestions and i'm glad that they gave me their p.o.v. cos otherwise i wouldn't know where i'm heading in a problem which i could be getting deeper into.

that there's new pple like chweng and hafiz and siahme and jeanette and yh and all who have made me start to learn to accept new pple in my little life. to know that really friendship is not all about benefits. that we don't need common interests or goals to be friends, but really more the effort to just be.

there's people in these past few weeks who i've tried to completely forget. people who have broke the essence of a friendship. mostly because they have put me off with their behaviors. who have taken me for granted. who have manipulated me. or who have taken me for a ride. who have hurt me along the way, too much for too long for me to forgive. i guess you (All)know who you (All) are. i don't need to name names. either way, most of you will just start assuming who you are. and maybe it just might be you. who really knows. that i try not to remember you ( all) cos it will simply cause me pain to think of all the things that have happened. and i just don't wanna think about what have happened anymore.

of criticisms and comparisons

the thing is we all criticise people. however, it comes down to a point whereby we somehow or rather need to look deep within ourselves. that whether our criticism is out of objectivity. that it is not cos we are jealous, that we feel inferior towards others, but rather simply because there is room for improvement.

i've always told many that if you think you can do it better- Do it! i don't know but many do not like me for that for they see it as a challenge. a challenge to what, that i do not know. perhaps to their egos or that their sensitive fragile little hearts have cracked cos i have said that to them.

i wish i would not criticise as much as i do. however, it happens to be the one basic human behaviour that most of us fail to discard of. that despite telling others to not be critical, to not make comparisons, we actually do it. right in the presence of the person that we've just told off.

i hate it when my mom makes comparisons. obviously she never realizes that how i choose to lead my hols is sparsely different from my cousin's. that said, it does not mean that i sit around doing nothing. i actually did a lot of things during the last holidays.

let's see:
- yearbook( not much really)
- finished the entire theory book( sans three pages that i have failed to complete since the last week of school holidays)
- turning up for training and competition( which i did except for the saturday before fop and the week i fell ill)
- did run the 5kms that i said i would

so i did quite a lot! heh
ok, and much more just that i cant remember the rest
till then, then. =)

take life seriously. even if you refuse to.

So there I was, stuck at the junction between Le Meridian and the Istana( yeah that Buyong Road place cross junction), the road heading towards the CTE with this MX5( really old sports car design from Mazda) blocking the way. Thank god I’m not driving because in my tired state I would’ve thought of a way to cut just behind that car’s back so that I can get out of the irritating Orchard jam. Obviously, it’s car accident material really. And being a driver with a bloody P-plate hanging at the wind screen and rear window of my car, I’m sure witnesses would be so nice to actually call up the police immediately and then I’ll prolly end up losing my license.

After the much talked about two-year-ones-being-knocked-down-at-SB’s-favorite-slope accident, getting into a car accident is really at the Very end of my list of things to do.

The latest on the issue is that the two girls were discharged from the hospital on Monday thank goodness. But I reckon they are pretty traumatized right now. Imagine, the best way to end your first week in poly as a first year student is definitely not remembering that you got knocked down by a car by an unlicensed driver.

Well people, drive carefully. And please don’t drive without a license. As some of you may not know ( which I realized while talking to some friends) is that if one is found guilty of driving without license, it would be a very V.E.R.Y. major criminal offense( since our LSC module tells us that criminal law will be imposed though one is causing harm to only one person so long as it constitutes as something that could harm the well-being of society as a whole).

so yeah. although i've only heard about the accident( since i was not in school on that fateful friday) i'm seriously too afraid to drive for now. i think i'll only dare to get on the road when it's all quiet and peaceful and like there's no car on the road... which happens to be... in the dead of the night! fear really can get the better of me.

remembered the story of some girl who died of liver cancer. it was so terminal that she passed away almost immediately after diagnosis. happened to know a circle of friends who knew her and etc. so yeah. when it happened it really freaked the hell out of me.

and suddenly you feel the pain and stuff you get this fear. it's this silent fear that you really are not sure what it is. you just tend to wonder whether is it it? and you get really afraid. yup. guess i'm still quite afraid of what ifs.

i may have to take back my words someday.

as many would've realized I've not been through the entire week of school... yet cos of competition last week. However, this week despite being ultra tired and stuff I'm determined to turn up for every single lesson and see how things are like.

So far? I believe this semester could be easy peasy. Seriously I've seen worse for the second week of school and I believe I can come out of this alive.. and hopefully not looking older.( Stupid Sam or someone- some SA guy whom I don't know what's his name cos I've failed to catch it- said I looked older after sem2 ok?!)

I was wondering about... about. wait toilet beckons...

back.

I was wondering why at times we all end up with guys of the same names. or that at parties we tend to pick up certain names more than the rest. At times some pple end up dating guys over and over again and these guys happen and/or seem to have similar sounding names ( eg: Garrett and Gerald?)?

Is it that of oneself subconciously admitting that they are refusing to let go?i don't know but i do think so. otherwise why look for someone with the same/ similar sounding names. why look out for characters you associate with a particular someone.

just pondering that's all. an idea that came to me as i was sleeping.

i wonder.

i'm feeling like crap right now. i don't know why i've got this bad tummy ache( which i suspect had to do with this raw green chilli i ate like an hour or so ago). i don't know why i'm this tired( though i've got a feeling it's got to do with the competition). i don't know why there's a dull ache in my heart that i've not felt for ages. i don't know why i keep up smiling like nothing's wrong when something obviously is wrong.

despite having spoken to grace in the middle of the night about what could've caused me to have the dull ache, and the smiling like nth's wrong when sth is wrong. nothing seems to make it feel better.

back to school tmr!

finally the event has ended. today was the last day of the sailing competition that i had to skip 3 days of school for. 3 days! loads of catching up i expect.

not bad i'd say for a slacker. managed to occasionally beat a couple of current/ previous worlds rep in a couple of races. here and there. but for a slacker i guess it's an achievement already. so i guess i need to work harder from now on.

which leads to another issue. new comm nxt yr for sailing may not be as kind. which means i have to buy my own sail. it's about $1000. yup. need to find a way to get the money. need some new stuff too. i guess at this juncture i can safely say golf is definitely cheaper than sailing and stop arguing with my friend over it.

what was i saying? hmmm. had sth to say but i forgot what is it... think think! oh yeah. come august i may end up missing school again. this time is for some invitationals in malaysia. it's one of the affiliated associations and since it's from the federation to the club i'm representing, and i'm the only girl ok for it my parents are ok about me going so long as i start managing my time properly.

it's quite close to the exams though but i guess it's good to try malaysia since i've been to thailand and japan so far. and in 2007 i'll be in usa for awhile which i'll be doing some bit of sailing there to have a measurement of standard( i suspect i'd be close to mid fleet though so i've got to work harder to not disappoint myself.) of sailing here and there.

i was just wondering what sport i'd do once i'm done with sailing. i reckon i'd do tennis or golf. but technique games like golf. er i'll have to give a serious though to it since outsmarting in golf is quite difficult rite? i don't know.

even if i don't do tennis or golf i guess i'll do something. somehow.

tired. guess i'm gonna just end off here. hard fought and at least now i know why i make mistakes and what are the areas i need to improve on to make my sailing better.

~ take me as i am: wyclef jean & sharissa~

enough. really. enough. i've said my piece. of every single thing that irks me. of all my little insecurities. i've said everything. there's nothing left. and i guess that's it. the end.

i'm not the sort who runs on gas- my time costs a lot. i'm not the sort who would make an effort to be someone's friend when the person doesn't want to. i'm not the sort who would give unconditionally if the person doesn't deserve my time and effort- and concern.

so, as many would have realized, few have acquired the status of unfriended( well, that's what RS used to call pple who were no longer friends. he's getting married in spring 05 by the way, i think.). but well, someone new has joined the ranks.

those that i've built around me, well i guess all of you should know whom i'm talking about. but i guess most of you will be happy for me. cos this is the beginning of being unbothered and unperturbed by someone not worthy of time that i could better spend around you all. hopefully.

but i'm sure it will work now. finally.